i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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