drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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