Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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