I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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