thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
