Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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