I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Come on in and take your pants off
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