There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize