Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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