either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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