so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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