I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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