we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
