I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm always down for nudity.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
