you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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