I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
