Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
