I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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