YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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