Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
A bitchslap is in order.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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