if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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