What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
