If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
