I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
