What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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