My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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