she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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