I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
