don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Sorry about my life...
We're too hungover to prance.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
