I cannot find my penis.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
