Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
