I faked an abortion last night.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
