I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
