my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
