I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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