Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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