Little spoons don't ask big questions
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
