I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
