I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
