dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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