I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize