I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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