i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
