My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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