ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she woke up with a sticky ear
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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