my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize