Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
