I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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