Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
