Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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