your thong is hanging out like whoa
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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