There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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