The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
