You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
