I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
