Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
