Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
