How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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