On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
